


Never Speak of This Again

by Riggoo12



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-04-29 13:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5129555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riggoo12/pseuds/Riggoo12





	1. Chapter 1

1 - Burnt Cookies, Gay Thoughts, and A Less Than Dramatic Fire

"Hey! Deanna! Get your lazy arse down here!" Sam shouted. A muffled cry of 'what for?' echoed down the stairs. "We're going to see Cassie and Gabel!" Sam yelled back up. 

There was a loud thump, and Dean appeared at the top of the stairs, massaging his ribs. "Bloody fell out of bed, you twat." He grunted. "Why were you in bed, it's nearly lunch?" Sam retorted, and Dean stuck his nose in the air trying to act sassy, but ended up walking into the door. "Slick." Sam muttered, and ran out of the house with Dean chasing him.

The two Winchesters arrived at the Novak household out of breath. 

Dean knocked on the door and it was flung open almost immediately. "Well, if it isn't little Sammy and his brother Deanna," drawled Gabriel. 

Gabriel and Sam had been best friends since they were three. His younger brother, Castiel, had been best friends with Dean since they were two. 

There were a lot of people living in the Novak household at the moment. Raphael, Lucifer, Anna, Gabriel, Balthazar and Castiel were the Novak siblings. Living with them were Crowley, Charlie, Meg, Jess, Michael, Bobby, Ellen and Jo.

But seeing as the Winchesters spent over half of their lives at that house, they had been allocated bedrooms and still had cupboards full of stuff there.

Many nicknames circulated around the friends. Gabel was Sam's favourite, because when he was younger, he couldn't pronounce Gabriel. Deanna, Cassie and Lucy were other favourites of the family.

"Gabel!" Sam grinned, and lead the way into the house.

"We're all in the kitchen." Gabriel informed the brothers, and they veered right into the correct room. 

Sam instantly sensed danger. Charlie and Jo were making cookies, and whilst they were peering into the oven, a strange burning smell was wafting through everyone's noses.

Balthazar and Crowley were lying under the table eating cherries with Lucifer and Michael. Everyone else had their feet on the table and were arguing loudly.

"Bobby, I hereby ban you from alcohol!"   
"You want to come here and make me stop?"  
"Bitch please I'm too good looking for this conversation!"  
"Cassie, are you using that My Little Pony makeup set?"  
"So what if I am? Every celebrity has a cheeky secret behind their good looks!"

Dean was frowning, like he was trying to make sense of the ridiculous conversation they were having. Suddenly, Gabriel pounced from behind Sam.

"ARE THOSE COOKIES?" He bellowed, making everyone jump. Cas and Raphael fell off of their chairs, and narrowly missed being stampeded by the hurricane of their brother.

Jo and Charlie quickly protested. "They're burnt - Gabriel - no - don't eat them - oh shit." Gabriel turned to look at them, a blackened cookie in each hand.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND KEEP THE COOKIES FROM ME!" He yelled, oblivious to their colour and smell. Without further ado, he shoved the two cookies in his mouth, and added another after he had picked it up from the tray.

He chewed for a moment, and everyone was silent and still, waiting to see how he would react.

Gabriel promptly exploded in anger. "HOW DARE YOU MOLEST THESE COOKIES! MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN HAVE BEEN THOUGH SO MUCH AND NOW THEY ARE BURNT AND ABUSED - NEVER TO BE SAVOURED IN MY HOLY CAKE HOLE! CONDEMNED TO THE TRASH BIN!" 

He took a deep breath like he was about to say more, but then ran at Sam and clung to him like a koala. "Make them stop bullying my babies, Sammy." Gabriel sobbed into Sam's shoulder.

Sam patted his back comfortingly.

Whilst Gabriel's cookie tantrum was taking place, Dean had subtlety sidled up to Castiel who was sitting on the floor. 

He jumped onto his back and started tickling him. "NO DEAN STOP NO PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING!" Dean stopped. "Anything?" Cas nodded, breathless with laughter. Dean smirked, and leant forwards to whisper something in Castiel's ear. "NO WAY, AUNTY JEMIMA!" Cas bellowed after Dean finished.

Dean raised his eyebrows and shuffled around on Castiel's back. "You promised anything." Gabriel chuckled, and audibly whispered, "I think we all know what Dean just asked." Dean's face whipped towards him, and Gabriel winked, before he stuck a lollipop into his mouth.

A few moments later, Dean stood up. "I shall return shortly, with the correct equipment." He left the room, and Michael shouted after him, "make sure the condom's got no holes in it!"

Dean screamed back, "guilty conscience? What've you and Lucifer been doing, eh?" Everyone but Lucifer, Michael and Cas started laughing hysterically - instead, Cas had a look of approaching doom on his face.

A few minutes later, Dean was back with two pillows in his hand. "Ooooh, I get it!" Lucifer exclaimed dramatically. "Deanna wants pillow talk with his Cassie!" There were shouts of:

"Get out of here, dirty motherfucker!"  
"Oooh, kinky little bitch!"

Dean sat down in front of Castiel's face, who lay on the floor, chest down. 

Before anyone could make any inappropriate comments, Dean started hitting them all over Castiel, so hard that they burst and feathers floated everywhere.

"PILLOW FIGHT!" Charlie screamed at the top of her voice, and there was a moment of silence before everyone scrambled for the door, throwing punches to get through first. 

Gabriel and Sam raced into the closest bedroom and armed themselves with two pillows each. "Together." Gabriel said solemnly. "Together." Sam replied, straight-faced. They burst out of the bedroom, bellowing a war cry, and above their heads they heard shouts of:

"THIS - IS - SPARTA!"  
"DODGEBALL!"  
"BITCH GET SERVED!"  
"ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR JO!"  
"HONEY-PIE DON'T EVEN GO THERE!"  
"WHO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT PIE?"  
"GET A LIFE, DEANNA!"

Gabriel and Sam sprinted up the stairs, brandishing their pillows like swords.

They met Meg and Jess first. 

Gabriel used to date Meg, and Sam used to date Jess. They were, naturally, dating each other now. "BITCHES UNITE!" Meg screamed, and together they attacked the boys with pillows. Suddenly, Raphael and Anna appeared, equipped with pillows strapped all over their bodies, and five in each hand. 

Smart arses raided the laundry cupboard. 

"RETREAT!" Sam yelled at Gabriel, who nodded in conformation. 

The two boys sat side by side on the stairs, and straddled their pillows. "GO!" Gabriel screamed, and they launched themselves down the stairs.

Gabriel and Sam separated from their pillows about halfway down their trip, and it became a fall. Sam screamed, and clung to Gabriel's leg. Then the impact hit them hard, and they lay on the floor for a moment.

Sam became aware that his hand was awkwardly near Gabriel's dick. As he moved it away, hoping his friend hadn't noticed, a sneaky little bitch voice in his head whispered, "don't deny that you liked that." Sam shook his head quickly. He had been fighting the voice for a few months. 

'You did like it, though.' The voice added. No way. I am not bisexual, Sam told himself firmly. 'You want to suck his dick.' The voice said, dead-pan. 

Sam shrieked involuntarily. Gabriel looked over at him, concerned. "You know we hit the ground like, thirty seconds ago. Do you have really delayed reactions or was it because of.." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and cast his eyes over his baby maker.

Of course Gabriel had fucking noticed his hand on his dick.

"Huh, yeah, whatever, shut the fuck up and go eat a cookie!" Sam shouted, and then internally winced as he realised that he literally just owned up to being gay. 

Sam internally fought with himself.

I'm not gay, I dated Jess.

And I am totally not bisexual.

But the niggling little voice in Sam's head whispered, "you totally are."

Sam slapped his face, and Gabriel gave him a weird look, before pulling out a candy and shoving it into his mouth. 

"Mm hmm." He said. 

\-----

Ellen ran into the hall. "Charlie bloody Bradbury and my fucking stupid daughter Jo, who the hell left the oven on?" There was a moment of silence, and then Charlie solemnly said, "why is it important?" Ellen glared at her. "The bloody kitchen is on fire!" 

Silence.

Then:

"Action stations!"  
"I CALL THE SINK!"  
"THERE IS NO SINK, DICKHEAD, IT'S ON FIRE!"

It worried Sam that the whole "kitchen on fire" routine had been rehearsed, but he joined Gabriel, Balthazar and Michael in trying to flick the on switch on the hose.

"Bloody hell it's rusted over!"  
"Give it here, weakling!"  
"Shut your gob, I'm managing!"  
"Well correct me if I'm wrong but isn't water supposed to be coming out of the hose?"  
"SHUT IT, SHRIMPY!"  
"OH RIGHT, YOU'RE BOTH MANAGING FINE! GIVE IT HERE!"

Eventually a stream of water trickled out from it, and the four boys gave a collective cheer. "Wait, isn't the kitchen on fire?" Balthazar asked. "SHIT SHIT SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS RUN FO YO LIVES!" Gabriel screamed, and ran out of the garden gate into the street.

"Wimpet Limpet!" Michael screamed after him. "What?" Balthazar and Sam asked in unison. He shrugged awkwardly. "Shut up and lets go put out the kitchen."

When the fire rescue arrive, the blaze wasn't as dramatic as everyone thought. It's flaming fingers were slowly reaching across the wooden floor, and the blackened patch only spread from the oven to about one metre in each direction. The trio sprayed it out, and Sam grinned at Dean. "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." He said. Sam frowned.

"You never told me that!"  
"Maybe because I didn't want to freak you out. You probably would have thought that if I went into a burning building, I'd spontaneously combust on the ceiling or something." 

Sam glared at him. "Pout your rage out, Sammy." Dean grinned at him.

\-----

Well this is the first chapter! Hope you like it... XD

~ Sophie :)


	2. 2 - Unique Pink Twists, PinK Onesies and a Flippin' Blue Box

2 - Unique Pink Twists, Pink Onesies and a Flippin' Blue Box

Bobby and Ellen walked into Jess's room, where everyone was sat. 

"I'm bored." Jess stated.  
"Same!"  
"Me too!"  
"Lets eat candy!"  
"Or watch Dr Sexy MD!"  
"What the actual frickidy frack, Dean?"  
"It's a guilty pleasure!"

Charlie stopped the brewing argument in its tracks. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"What?"  
"Yeah, tell us, sister."  
"Spit it out!"

Charlie stood on Jess's bed. "Right! I got sixteen of these things a while ago for a dare, but never used them! So we could go outside and use them!"

"What are they?" Dean shouted.

"Before I tell you, you all have to swear on Burger King's honour that you will all do it!" There was a moment of silence, and then Gabriel's voice came out shakily.

"Y - you mean... if I promise, I have to do it or else I disgrace Burger King?" Charlie nodded viciously.

Everyone promised.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"  
"Shit - shit - Raphael - I saw something pink!"  
"Bradbury! Don't you dare being anything pink out of your room!"  
"Unless it's a pink cocktail!"  
"Shut up, you alcoholic! Who even said that?"  
"Crowley!"  
"What? I'm thirsty!"  
"Here's some water!"  
"I'm only thirsty for vodka!"  
"Tit-sucking loser."  
"Anna!" 

Eventually Charlie came out of her room brandishing a bulging bag.

Dean eyed it nervously. "What's in there, Charlie?" Her eyes lit up. "Pink onesies! A unique pink twist comes with each one!"

Everyone but Charlie either groaned or screamed in terror.

"Right! Lets get started! A pink bunny for Deanna, with a fluffy pink tail! A pink pig for Cassie, with a pink tail! A pink lollipop for Gabel! A pink sparkle queen for me! A pink beer bottle for Crowleypoo!" The list went on, but Dean heard none of them. 

Because he was on the floor.

Shaking.

I cannot be seen in public as a pink bunny, Dean thought.

The last words that Castiel heard Dean mumble were "not the bunny" before the oldest Winchester brother fainted. 

\-----

When Dean woke up, he came face to face with a pink moose, and screamed. 

"Really hard core, Dean." The muffled voice of Sam told him.

-Ten minutes later-

"Now that Deanna is awake, and we are all ready, we can continue with our plan!" Charlie sung. 

It turned out that a sparkle queen was actually just a glittery pink onesie with glittering fairy wings. "We have to go outside and parade down the street singing as we go!"

Dean groaned and covered his face with his hands.

Charlie lead the way out, and all of her friends shuffled after her, utterly embarrassed.

"This moment is buried as soon as it is over." Lucifer stated. "Totally." Everyone said. "Anyone who speaks of it shall be punished by death."  
"Totally."

Charlie grinned at us. "Come on! Sing!"

The thirteen teenagers and two adults sung the entire soundtrack of the Wizard of Oz before they were allowed to go back home.

A dejected pink pig trailed along next to Dean. "Hey, Dean." Cas muttered. "Don't use my name! No one can know who I am!" I shouted, attracting more glances from the street.

"Okay... What should I call you?"  
"The Doctor."

Dean strutted along in awesomeness for a second, and then ruined it by tripping over.

"Hey! Look!" The pink lollipop shouted, and pointed towards a blue phone box. "That is so cool! A blue box!" Everyone sighed. "How is that cool?"  
"How many blue phone boxes have you seen before, then, huh?"  
"Once before. I was only a young girl, and I prayed to Father Christmas to fix the crack in my wall -" Dean began.

"I bet you did." Sam chuckled. "Shut up, dirty boy! Anyway, this man crashed a blue police box in my garden and he came back a good few years later and saved the world with me!" Dean sung. Everyone looked at him strangely.

"Well, I saw it in the Gamma Forest!"  
"I saw it from Donna's house!"  
"Who the fuck is Donna?"  
"I can't remember."  
"You're all high."  
"No shit, Sherlock."

\-----

This was kind of a filler chapter, but I promise the story will get going next chapter!!!!

~ Sophie :)


	3. 3 - The Hotel of Love, Evil Parents and Seven Double Beds

3 - The Hotel of Love, Evil Parents And Seven Double Beds

After the disastrous attempt at escaping boredom, nobody wanted to suggest that they were bored.

And after Ellen and Bobby walked into the room, no one was. "RIGHT! LISTEN UP YOU IDJITS!" Crowley jumped and spilt his coffee all over himself. "Fucking idiot." He growled. Bobby slapped the back of his head.

"SHUT IT, IDJIT BOY!"

Ellen took over. "You're all going to a luxury hotel, fourteen places have been booked. Bobby and I will stay here and look after the house, and our reward will be peace and quiet. Got it, cupcakes?" No one replied.

"You leave in half an hour. Go and pack!" Pandemonium erupted, and Ellen sat back to listen to the various screaming around the house.

"WHERE'S MY FLUFFY?"  
"WHAT THE FUCK IS FLUFFY?"  
"THE TEDDY BEAR I'VE HAD SINCE I WAS THREE, LUCY? CALL YOURSELF MY BROTHER!"  
"GABEL, GET A LIFE!"

Another very interesting conversation Ellen heard was:

"SAMMY THERE IS YOUR FUCKING SOCK ON MY BED!"  
"I KNEW I'D PUT IT SOMEWHERE SAFE!"  
"IS IT CLEAN?"  
"I DON'T KNOW! SMELL IT, JO!"  
A pause.  
"SAM YOU BASTARD IT STINKS WORSE THAT MICHAEL'S GASSY ARSE WITH LUCIFER'S DICK STUCK INSIDE IT LIKE IT IS RIGHT NOW!"  
"YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH I DO NOT HAVE MY DICK STUCK IN MICHAEL'S GASSY ARSE!"  
"Wait - you don't? Oh, right! Of course he doesn't! And my arse isn't gassy!"  
"BITCH I WALKED IN ON YOU! NOW COME AND GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SOCK, SAMMY!"

Ellen wondered where her daughter got her obscenities from.

Three quarters of an hour later, they were ready to go. "Wait!" Sam shouted. "I lost my shoe!" There were sarcastic sighs of,

"Well done, dimwit."  
"Loser."  
"Where's it gone then, Sammy?"

It turned out that Raphael had chucked it out of the window, thinking it belonged to Meg.

-Half an hour later-

They were all in the three hired cars. In the first one there was Michael, Lucifer, Sam, Dean and Gabriel. In the second, Meg, Jo, Charlie and Crowley were seated. In the third one, Castiel, Balthazar, Anna, Jess and Raphael were sat, until Balthazar and Castiel got into a fight.

Then Castiel switched seats with Gabriel.

The journey to the hotel was three hours long, and by the end, everyone wanted to kill at least three other people. Obviously, the prearranged seating plan changed constantly.

"Cas, if you ask one more question about philosophy -"  
"How did the earth begin?"  
"CASTIEL!"  
"Lucifer's making out with Michael!"  
"We're holding hands, dipwad!"  
"Ooooooh! Are you engaged?"  
"No you bitch girl!"  
"Oh, right, you're on your period!"  
"What, who's pregnant?"  
"No one invited you to join this conversation, Gabriel!"  
"Love you too, Michael."  
"Stop hitting on my boyfriend!"  
"OOOOH, LUCIFER!"

The men driving the cars were probably going to retire after they reached the hotel. 

Which they did, eventually.

Charlie noticed it first. "Look! I saw it first so I get the best bedroom!" Crowley nearly punched her. "I get the best bedroom and a bottle of whiskey!" 

Charlie pondered this. "What do I get in return?" Crowley shrugged. "Whatever." 

Charlie thought about this for a moment. "Your virginity." She decided.

Charlie burst out laughing at the look on Crowley's face. "Bitch, I'm a lesbian! And no way are you getting the best bedroom and the whiskey!"

The second the cars were parked, thirteen homicidal kids sprinted into the hotel.

No one noticed the sign on the door that read, 'Welcome to the Love Hotel - where sexual tension is released!'

Bobby and Ellen were cackling in delight at the website for the Love Hotel. "Read it again! Read it again!" She gasped in between fits of laughter.

"The Love Hotel is the one steamy way to unwind all of your sexual tension. Whether you're old or young, gay or not, you're guaranteed to find your perfect match here," at this point, Bobby had to stop and Ellen finished it in glee.

"So come along to the Hotel of Love, for an unforgettable, sexy experience!"

"I am the worst mother in the world." Ellen decided happily.

Crowley, Raphael and Balthazar were exploring the unknown territory of the alcohol cupboard when Castiel screamed.

Crowley dived into the bedroom with Cas in just as everyone else arrived.

Castiel was staring in horror at the bed. 

The bed.

The bloody double bed.

"Dick wagging shit, the fuck is that?" Charlie whispered.

"There's only seven bedrooms!" Anna shrieked.

"Maybe... maybe the other rooms are twin beds?"  
"Then why's this one double?"  
"I am not sleeping with any of you bitches!"  
"Shut up, you're sleeping with me!"  
"Anna, you come near me and I will obliterate you."

Eventually Dean stopped the growing terror. "There's a note!"

He stepped forwards to read it. "Dear Happy Couple..." There were a few screams of pain when that was heard.

"Welcome to the Love Hotel, where sexual tension is welcomed. There are thousands of different foods to sample, a water park, spa, casino and exclusive restaurants that are all free if you have booked a place here! Enjoy finding your perfect match here, the Love Hotel Staff."

There was a silence. Then Jo started the talk.

"I say we taxi ourselves back home!"  
"I second that!"  
"Who has money?"

No one did. "We could sell something and get a heap of cash?" Jess suggested. No one had anything worth selling. Gabriel suggested his body, but Anna put her foot down on that.

"I could go to the casino and -"  
"NO DEAN!"  
"But Sammy -"  
"DEAN I SAID NO."

Meg looked around desperately. "We can't be stuck here! Lets walk back home!"  
"Sister, that is a great idea!"  
"Lets go!"  
"Wait..."  
"There may be a few flaws with that plan."  
"And they did say the water park was free..."  
"And the spa..."  
"AND THE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD!"  
"Lets stay a while."  
"Okay."  
"Lets go sort out the bed problem."  
"Okay."

There was a few beats before anyone moved.

Jo moved first. "I'm going to bloody kill my mother using a club embedded with fucking Barbie nails."

Everyone walked out of the bedroom, a little disheartened.

"Okay," Raphael started. "All couples please pick a bedroom and go in it."

No one moved. Then Anna and Charlie skipped into a room together and dumped their bags in it. Michael and Lucifer quickly followed, and Gabriel catcalled them. Jo and Balthazar walked into a room, and Meg and Jess. Eventually all of the couples appeared in their doors to watch the show. 

Raphael continued. "Okay. No siblings together."

Sam and Dean separated, and so did Gabriel, Castiel and Raphael. Crowley stood to the side. 

"Okay, so both of you," Raphael said, gesturing at the Winchesters, "have to go with two of us three."

No one moved. Then Castiel ran at Dean, screaming at the top of his lungs, "I WANT MY DEANNA!"

Then Gabriel jumped onto Sam's back, shrieking with laughter, and they disappeared into their respective rooms. Raphael and Crowley looked at each other and shrugged.

"Can we go get food now?" Sam asked, sticking his head out of his bedroom.


	4. 4 - Jo's Rant, Two Pairings, and Anna's Unplanned Wedding

4 - Jo's Rant, Two Pairings, and Anna's Unplanned Wedding

The food was amazing. Gabriel nearly fainted when he saw the fabulous selection of candy available to him.

Meg decided to stop Gabriel.

"Gabriel, you are not just eating candy."  
"Why not?"  
"It's unhealthy!"  
"Why's that a problem?"  
"You'll get fat."  
"EXCUSE ME WOMAN? DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?"

Sam ran over to Gabriel at this point and hugged him. "Don't call my Gabel fat!" Meg threw her hands in the air and went back to picking the cheesiest slices of pizza.

After everyone was finished, the teenagers reluctantly decided to go back to their rooms.

"I want my own bed!"  
"I know!"  
"It's my bloody mothers fault, blame her."  
"And Bobby's."  
"I bet they're laughing right now."  
"Same."

The teenagers were right. Bobby and Ellen were laughing their heads off. They had just found out that they had booked seven rooms with double beds.

As the teenagers sat watching T.V, Jo stood up. Then she turned it off.

"What the fuck?"  
"What's your problem?"  
"Jesus, woman!"

Jo put her hands on her hips. "This ends now. I am ringing my mother."

Everyone shuffled closer together. Jo had been in her room for two hours working herself into a rage. She was going to kill anyone who moved a fucking finger before she was finished.

Gabriel stood up. "I'll just... leave." He said. Jo glared at him until he sat down again. 

"I will kill anyone who moves a fucking finger before I am finished."

With that, Jo pulled out Gabriel's phone. "Hey, why my phone?" Gabriel protested. "Because she'll recognise my number and not pick up! But you've never called her so she'll answer!" Jo snapped.

Gabriel blushed. "Maybe you should use Lucy's phone." Jo's eyes widened. "When did you ring my mother?"

Gabriel went conveniently deaf. 

Lucifer pulled out his phone and chucked it to Jo. 

She caught it and dialled Ellen's number.

Everyone waited in silence.

Ellen's voice crackled out of the line. 

"This is Ellen Harvelle, who am I speaking to?" Jo started shouting before her mother had even finished.

"WHAT KIND OF A SICK PERSON ARE YOU? YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ON YOUR OWN DICK AND THEN DIE OF TESTICULAR FAILURE! BURN IN HELL YOU BITCH OF A WOMAN! DOUBLE BEDS! BLOODY DOUBLE BEDS! YOU SAID IT WOULD BE FUN, AND NOW I'M SHARING A BED WITH BALTHAZAR! YEAH, I'M DATING HIM BUT STILL! YOU'RE WORSE THAN GOYLE! YOU'RE GRAWP'S FATHER WHO HAD SEX WITH FILCH AND THEN RAPED A COW WITH MICHAEL'S BAD BREATH! SERIOUSLY WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? DIE BITCH WOMAN!"

Jo hung up abruptly, her face flushed.

Gabriel started the talking, as per usual.

"I hope you choke on your own dick and die of testicular failure?"  
"Raped a cow?"  
"I do not have bad breath!"  
"And why don't you want to share a bed with me?"

Jo gave them a stony look, and they all shut up.

Anna broke the silence. "Jo... Maybe you should rethink your image." Everyone looked at her, confused.

Anna shrugged, unembarrassed. "You're kind of... evil... at the moment. Like the bad guys in fairy tales. Just be more happy!" 

A shadow crossed Jo's face. "Every fairy tale needs a good old fashioned villain." With that, she grabbed a pillow and chucked it at Anna. Charlie jumped up in indignation on her girlfriends part. "Watch it, you rabid cow!" She shouted.

Everyone started chucking pillows at each other.

If Ellen and Bobby had been there, they would have shaken their heads at the display of stupidity available to them.

Castiel jumped off the couch at one point, screaming, "Deanna! Your hero is here to save you!"

Dean shouted back, "oh, my hero! you are my one true love!"

Everyone stopped moving.

"What did you say?"  
"Deanna?"  
"Did I just hear you say that?"  
"Bro, you're screwed."  
"Wow, sensitive, Raph."  
"I was just saying."  
"Honey, he so gay."  
"What, Charlie?"  
"I saying that he gayer than a unicorn eating rainbows whilst jerking off to Michael."  
"Why does everyone always use me for examples?"  
"Because we love you, honey."

No one was quite sure when it happened, but at some point, Michael and Lucifer both disappeared.

"Lets go look for them!"  
"Ooh, a manhunt!"  
"Really, Gabel?"  
"Do you even know what a manhunt is?"  
"A hunt for men. Duh."  
"And..."  
"It was probably invented for horny dudes?"  
"GABRIEL!"

They searched all the rooms where they were staying, but it was eventually Jess and Meg who found them.

"Guys, I think they're in the closet!"  
"Huh?"  
"What?"  
"They are dating, duh!"

The twelve teenagers flung open the closet doors, evil smiles on their faces.

Michael and Lucifer didn't notice at first, because they were making out.

Then Lucifer screamed.

"SHIT!"  
"MY EARS!"  
"I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY BRAIN IMPLODING!"  
"YOU THINK THAT'S A PROBLEM? MY DICK JUST BLEW UP!"  
"MY EARS! MY EARS!"

It took a good thirty minutes for the pained teenagers to calm down and get over their ringing ears.

"I say we never sneak up on Lucy again."  
"All in favour?"

Twelve hands were raised.

"Motion passed."

Gabriel, Dean, Sam and Castiel were bored.

"What shall we do?" Gabriel asked, braiding Sam's hair into plaits. "All the exciting things are closed for the day."

Castiel's face lit up. "I know!" 

"What?" Dean asked.

"Get me a piece of paper and pen, then I'll explain."

Dean got off the floor, grumbling about slave drivers. 

When he returned, everyone looked expectantly at Cas. "Okay, Sammy. You write exactly what I say." He said, his eyes gleaming.

 

"Why can't you write it?" Sam asked.

 

"Because I am the evil Dr Felonious Gru, and you are my minions."

Crowley was drinking a beer in the kitchen when he heard hysterical laughter coming from four boys.

 

He shrugged and continued to down the bottle in one.

 

Gabriel had volunteered to go on the stealth mission, which involved placing the note in the right place.

 

He slipped into Anna and Charlie's room, and placed the letter reverently on Charlie's pillow.

 

Gabriel then placed his hands on his hips and admired his work.

 

"You did good, Gabe. You did good." He muttered, and then left the room.

 

All they had to do now was wait.

 

Eventually, the teenagers drifted off the bed.

 

Castiel, Dean, Gabriel, Sam, Anna, Charlie and Meg were the last ones up.

 

They watched TV for a few hours before Charlie stood up. "I'm going to bed." She stretched and yawned, and then walked off into her room.

 

Four boys sat up straighter and exchanged excited glances.

 

A few moments later, there was a shriek from Charlie's room. Anna jumped up and ran in to see what was the matter.

 

When the four boys and Meg followed, hot on her heels, they found Charlie clutching a note on the bed. 

 

"Dear Charlie,

Will you marry me?

Love Anna

Xxxxxx."

 

Charlie grinned and flung her arms around a bemused Anna. "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" She squealed. 

 

Anna caught sight of the note.

 

Sam became a little anxious when he saw the expression on her face.

 

"Charlie, I -" she began.

 

"I love you too!"

"No, I mean I -"

"Oh, it's okay, I don't need a ring!"

"But -"

"We can get one later if it bothers you!"

"Charlie..."

"Anna..."

"Okay, Charlie. I love you."

 

The rest of the teenagers ran into the room. "Who screamed?"

 

"Anna proposed to Charlie!"

"Wow, bit unexpected."

"Shut up, it's adorable!"

"How come you don't leave notes on my bed, Meg?"

"Hey, this writing looks a bit like -"

 

Crowley was cut off by eight male hands clamping over his mouth and dragging him out of the room.

 

After the excitement had died down, everyone returned to their beds. Sam and Gabriel got into bed, and various conversations could be heard through the walls. 

 

"You stay on this side of the bed, I'll stay on mine."

"Got it."

"Have you, because I'm pretty sure your leg is crossing the line!"

"It is not!"

"Is too!"

"Not!"

"Is!"

"Not!"

"Is!"

"I hate you."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I really, really, really hate you."

"God, that insult is so tired!"

"Who invited you to join this conversation?"

"Your chin - the third one down."

"Oh my - oh my god! Did you just hear that, Jess?"

 

"Don't be mean to Meg!" Jess defended her girlfriend. 

 

"Wow, my knight in shining armour." Meg said flatly.


	5. 5 - Harry Potter Puns, The Water Park and Gabriel's Dreaded Barbie Makeup Set of Doom

5 - Harry Potter Puns, The Water Park and Gabriel's Dreaded Barbie Make Up Set Of Doom

 

"WAKE UP, LAZY ARSES!" Raphael's voice jolted everyone out of bed.

 

"Huh, what time is it?"

"It's... Hang on - 2:36 in the morning?"

"Raphael, you are in so much trouble!"

"Uh, no, it's 10:41 - Gabriel reset your clock."

 

Collective sighs of relief were uttered. 

 

"Okay, so why am I out of bed before 1:00 PM, Raphael?" Castiel asked sadly, glancing back at his bedroom.

 

Raphael smiled. "We're going to the water park."

 

There was a moment of silence as the teenagers became steadily more excited. 

 

Then a voice shouted, "oh my Chuck! We're going to the water park! We need serious makeovers, I'm not even joking! Have you seen my hair, and excuse me - I didn't pack a bikini!"

 

Everyone glared accusingly at Meg, Jess, Jo, Charlie and Anna. "Okay, which one of you said that?" Dean asked.

 

All the girls shrugged and glanced at each other. "Not me."

 

Gabriel coughed pointedly. "Excuse me, ladies - I'm having an existential crisis! I. Haven't. Packed. A. Fucking. Bikini."

 

As that brief mystery was solved, Lucifer glared pointedly at Gabriel. "You're not wearing a bikini." Gabriel pouted. "No way. No no. Never." Lucifer added, seeing the look in his brothers eyes.

 

"Fine. But we all need a water park makeover first!" Gabriel cried, brightening visibly.

 

"No."

"I refuse."

"You come near me with a mascara stick and I swear to Chuck Norris that I will shove it up your dick."

"Uh, Balthazar, what's mascara?"

"Don't know, but it sounds scary."

 

Gabriel reappeared out of his and Sam's room with a bright pink, sparkly, plastic makeup set with pictures of Barbie all over it.

 

"Gabriel - put that blusher down."

"Gabriel, this isn't funny."

"Lipstick doesn't fucking go there!"

"Stay away - stay away - stay the fuck aw- AAARGH!"

"GABRIEL, NO NO NO NO NO!"

 

After a slight pause whilst everyone gazed in horror at each other, the complaining started.

 

"I feel violated."

"Mutilated."

"Gabriel."

"We're going to kill you."

 

Gabriel grinned nervously. "Maybe now isn't the best time to mention that none of this comes off? I mean, yeah, in a few days, but not for a long time."

 

"GABRIEL!" All the teenagers shouted as one.

 

"Uh, maybe this isn't the best time to mention it, but... HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET LIPSTICK DOWN MY BRA?"

 

The teenagers eventually pulled themselves together. 

 

"Okay."

"Lets do this shit."

"Anyways, it's the Hotel of Love - it's not like it's gonna be busy."

 

Then Castiel added in, "oh my god, I golden bagsy shotgun no return dibble dabble squid shit dibs the lift!" It took the other thirteen teenagers another five seconds to work out what he'd just said.

 

A brief fist-fight and several broken baby makers later, the following facts had been decided. 

 

1\. Sam was definitely never having kids after an unfortunate elbow accident.

 

2\. Gabriel was to be thrown out of the window and be forced to use the stairs from now onwards.

 

3\. Everyone else was to try and fit in the lift.

 

"Lets go! Everyone ready?"

 

All of the teenagers, bar Gabriel, stampeded down the corridor towards the lift. The button was pressed about twenty-nine times in five seconds, and the lift arrived a few moments later.

 

Two elderly folk and their dog stared at the seemingly circus clown rejects before shuffling out of the way to make room for them.

 

A sign that read, "max weight: 8 people" was hastily obscured by Lucifer's butt.

 

Only seven of the teenagers fitted into the lift with the other three residents, leaving six people to crawl in on the floor and balance on each other.

 

The journey down to the ground floor took seemingly hours.

 

"Michael, get your butt out of my face."

"Get your face out of my butt!"

"This was an area of you that I didn't need to see."

"Close your eyes, then!"

"I think it's a little late for that."

"SHIT THAT MOTHERFUCKING DOG BIT ME!"

"RAPHAEL HAS RABIES!"

"THIS LIFT IS TAKING HOURS!"

 

Suddenly, a robot voice came through a speaker. "Maximum weight has been exceeded, maximum weight has been exceeded, please wait for assistance."

 

Apart from a few cuss words, everyone waited in tense silence.

 

"Sorry for the inconvenience, but it seems that the lift has stopped. Please wait for assistance."

 

Before everyone could start screaming, two loud knocks came from the outside of the lift. "What was that? Aren't we supposed to be in mid-air?" Sam whispered. 

 

"Oh my Chuck..." Charlie whispered, terrified. 

 

"It's coming for me, it's coming for me, IT'S FUCKING COMING FOR ME!" Castiel shrieked, cowering on the floor. 

 

A few seconds later, the door opened, and all of the teenagers tumbled out of the lift at the feet of an angry security guard. The elderly couple gently manoeuvred themselves and the dog around them, seemingly scarred for life.

 

"Alright, kids, did none of you read that sign?" The man asked angrily. Castiel giggled nervously at his feet.

 

Dean thought quickly. 

 

"S-s-sorry, s-s-s-sir! It's just that... well, we're from the MDFTAICOD, you see?" The man frowned. 

 

"The M-D-P-what?" Dean giggled again. "The MDFTAICOD." The man shrugged. "What's that?"

 

Dean rolled his eyes crazily. "The Medical Department For Terminal And Incurable Cases Of Destiel...neosis."

 

The man frowned. "And who is in charge of you?" Dean didn't reply, and instead fell back onto the floor, next to a group of teenagers who were all acting like they would never have wifi connection again.

 

The man looked around, and then hurried off. Dean jumped up. "Lets hit the water park!" 

 

Everyone cheered and ran after him, bumping into Gabriel along the way, who complained about them taking so long. 

 

"Fuck you."

"It's your fault we took so long."

"How?" Gabriel asked. 

 

Everyone frowned, trying to think of a good explanation. "Because." Crowley stated, and then strutted off.

 

In the changing rooms, Meg and Lucifer started arguing for some reason. When everyone came out of their cubicles, they were scuffling on the floor whilst throwing punches.

 

Crowley grabbed a water bottle from a bench, and tipped it all over them.

 

"ARGH!"

"FUCK, THAT WAS COLD!"

"SKREW YOO MUTHAFUCKA!"

"TOOT TOOT!"

 

Everyone stared at the dripping wet teenagers in shock. 

 

"Did she - did he - did they seriously just say that?"

 

Because everyone wanted to forget about that awkward scene, fourteen teenagers dived through the water park gates enthusiastically. 

 

Please excuse that pun.

 

Dean grabbed Castiel's hand and together, they bellyflopped into the main pool. Screeching with laughter, they looked around and spotted Gabriel in the jacuzzi area.

 

"Revenge is sweet." Dean muttered, and the two boys held their breath and swam underwater towards the ignorant Gabel.

 

They surfaced just out of sight behind Gabriel, and Cas spotted Raphael and Crowley closing in on the boy. 

 

Anna and Charlie arrived, closely followed by Jess and Meg. Michael and Lucifer, and Balthazar and Jo all closed in from different sides.

Gabriel still hadn't noticed twelve children approaching him from all sides.

 

As they got nearer, Gabriel caught sight of Sam, who was looking very lost with no one near him. "Sammy!" Gabriel shouted.

 

Sam took in the entire scene in one glance, and then shrugged and swam over. "I'll hold him down whilst you punch." He muttered as he swam past Raphael.

 

The teenagers didn't need any more encouragement. They jumped on top of Gabriel, yelling furiously, whilst he nearly drowned.

 

The lifeguard, who's name tag read 'Stan Lee's Cameo Appearance' muttered, "those kids have no respect for health and safety."

 

After Gabriel had finished being murdered, he glared at everyone.

 

"Thanks for half-drowning me, Anna I'm talking to you, I really appreciated that. Please note the sarcasm, it is heavily intended." 

 

Everyone waited for him to get to the point. Sam was spinning around in circles, up to his neck in the water, trying to make his hair float. "Anyway, can we all go on the rides now?" Gabriel asked. 

 

Everyone looked over to the rides. "I shotgun first go!" Anna screamed.

 

"Shotguns don't work in water!" Castiel yelled back. "I'm calling the first go, and that's final!" Dean bellowed.

 

After another fight which this time resulted in Lucifer falling over in pain, a line was organised.

 

Lucifer wasn't too happy about being last and having a broken baby maker. 

 

"No children for you, my friend." Castiel commented from first in the queue. Lucifer tried to punch him, but missed. 

 

Cas was bobbing up and down in excitement. "Is it my go now?"

 

There were still three people in front of him. "Now?" Two people. 

 

"Oh, man! Come on, just get on with it!" Castiel shouted at the person in front of him.

 

Eventually, the way was clear. Castiel jumped into the entrance of the water tunnel, and pushed himself in.

 

Above him, green mesh covered the top of the tunnel, for decoration. Castiel grabbed hold of it and lifted himself out of the rushing water. He clung to the mesh and waited until he could hear Dean yelling in excitement.

 

Dean whooshed around a corner, and Castiel dropped himself on top of him, and together they raced down the ride.

 

"CASSIE, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" Dean screamed as Cas sat on his lap. "LETS WAIT FOR ANNA AND CHARLIE!" He yelled back. The two boys grabbed for the meshed ceiling. 

 

After a moment, Charlie and Anna raced towards them. Charlie was first, and shrieked when she saw the ambush awaiting them. 

 

The two boys dropped like rocks onto the girls, and the four teenagers spun around inside the water slide. 

 

Then they got stuck. 

 

"Guys, maybe this wasn't such a great idea of yours." Charlie admitted. 

 

"Geez, you think? Deanna, I told you to lay off that pie!" Anna screamed.

 

Castiel was sitting in silence, and had given up on trying to budge them.

 

"Guys..." He started, realisation striking him. "What, shit head?" Anna snapped. 

 

Cas shivered in anticipation. "Isn't Jo coming now?" Everyone froze, just in time for Jo to barrel into them. They slid forwards a few centimetres, and then stuck even more firmly than before.

 

"You. Little. Shits." Jo cried, before slapping each of them on the back of their heads. 

 

Balthazar joined them, then Sam and Gabriel, and eventually it was only Lucifer who hadn't hit into them. 

 

"This is my worst nightmare."

"Being stuck with you lot."

"For the rest of my bloody life."

"Guys..."

"Who's bloody idea was this?"

"Castiel's."

"But, guys! Lucifer is fucking coming!"

"So what?" 

 

Dean realised a moment after Castiel did. "Oh, shit." Michael frowned. "What's bad about that?"

 

"LUCIFER IS GOING TO HIT US AT FULL SPEED!"

"GIVE ME A MOVING TRAIN ANY DAY!"

"At least there's one good thing about him arriving."

"What good could possibly come from this?"

"We'll probably pop out the other end."

 

As this final thought exited Jess's mouth, Lucifer smashed into the teenagers. 

 

"AAAAARGH-FUCKING-AAAAAAARGH!"

"GET OFF ME!"

"YOUR FOOT IS UP MY ASS!"

"WELL, YOUR LIPS ARE PRESSED AGAINST MY HEAD!"

"OWWWWWW!"

 

After a few moments, all of the teenagers arrived in the light. An attendant was looking angrily at them, so they scattered quickly, muttering insults.

 

"You're the people I'm gonna see in hell."

 

"Our brother is Lucifer, I'm pretty sure we're already there." Gabriel muttered, then added, "Lucy! Ow! Stop hitting me! Fuck - ing - dick - head - OW!" When Lucifer had finished punching his brother, they all sat down. 

 

"What shall we do now?" Crowley asked. 

 

Lucifer shrugged along with most others. "I've got it." Raphael announced. 

 

"SPEAK, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR SILENCE." Jo screeched. 

 

"We can ride rainbows to Harry Potter Land." Raphael declared proudly.

 

"Boy, is he on crack."

"Actually, now that he mentions it..."

"Lets do it."

"Hogwarts, here I come!"

"Get out of my way, filthy half blood!"

"What did you just say to me, Anna?"

"Make way for the muggle born queen!"

"That's what I thought, Annie."

 

The fourteen teenagers stampeded out of the water park, dripping wet, and stopped just outside of the changing rooms.

 

"Okay. We get changed, and then we go find Hogwarts." Balthazar declared. Then he added, "and whoever is changed first without punching someone gets to go first through to platform 9 and 3/4."

 

Another second of silence. 

 

Then everyone except from Crowley and Jess started a fight to get into the nearest cubicle. 

 

Jess finished first. "I'm ready!" She called at the other closed doors. 

 

Several swear words were shouted loudly. "What bloody-fucking witchcraft is this?" Meg howled. 

 

"The best kind of witchcraft, witch is why I am going to be top of the class in Hogwarts." Jess replied.

 

"What a wizard idea."

"Siriusly, guys, we're doing this now?"

"Was it Ron of us to do this?"

"Should we Lockheart our lips?"

"Guys, I'm going to L'Estrange you."

 

That was Meg.

 

"Meg, don't make me Snape my fingers in a side formation."

 

A pause. 

 

"Really, Castiel?"

"Stop talking shit, bitch. I've got this."

"Go on then. We await the best Harry Potter pun all day."

 

Another pause, and then Castiel whispered.

 

"What do you and Luna's earrings have in common? You're both look radish-ing tonight."

 

Several punches were heard.

 

"WHAT DO YOU AND A PAIR OF CURTAINS HAVE IN COMMON, EH CASSIE? ASK ME - I DARE YOU!"

 

Castiel's voice was full of foreboding as he waited for Charlie to reply.

 

"W-what do I and a pair of curtains have in c-common?"

 

"YOU BOTH NEED PULLING TOGETHER!" Charlie bellowed. 

 

Everyone winced. 

 

After a few more punches were delivered, everyone stood up, glaring at each other.

 

"Now, lets go and find Hogwarts." Gabriel marched up to an attendant who had been eying them cautiously, and smiled his I'm-honestly-not-a-mad-axe-murderer-looks-can-be-deceptive-you-judgemental-bitch smile. 

 

"Do you know where Hogwarts is? If yes, please state where after the tone. Beep." Gabriel waited patiently for the attendant to reply.

 

"Uh... What?" The attendant asked cautiously. Gabriel didn't move. "Statement, rejected." He dead panned, and then returned to the group.

 

"He wouldn't listen to me." Gabriel pouted. Dean stepped forwards. "Lets try." 

 

He walked over to the attendant and smiled his I-am-a-caring-and-understanding-rainbow-bunny-yet-I-still-have-a-tiny-hint-of-sexy-rebellion-with-a-bucketful-of-sass smile. 

 

The attendant looked at him with uncertainty. "I don't know Hogwarts, or whatever your friend said." He said plainly. Dean sighed. "WML." The attendant frowned. "Whatever, Major Loser." Dean stated, and snapped his fingers. 

 

Then walked back to the group. 

 

Jo flipped her hair, and grinned. "Guess it's down to me." She winked at Balthazar. "Be nice, Jo." Anna hissed. 

 

As Jo walked over to the attendant she muttered to herself.

 

"Nice... nice... nice... Fuck it, who gives a shit about nice?" She strode up to the attendant.

 

He waited for her to smile. She didn't.

 

She glared her I'm-in-a-motherfucking-rush-so-you'd-better-tell-me-exactly-what-I-fucking-want-to-hear-have-you-got-that-cupcake glare. 

 

"WHERE THE BLOODY FUCK IS HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY?" Jo shouted, ignoring various distressed glances from people.

 

"I DON'T BLOODY KNOW!" The attendant howled back, before his eyes widened and he hastily covered his mouth. 

 

Everyone was silent, waiting to see Jo's reaction. "Bitch, I almost feel sorry for him." Sam whispered.

 

Jo's face darkened. "FOR THE GLORY OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE!" She bellowed, her voice echoing madly around the changing rooms.

 

Everyone grinned evilly as they saw Jo slap the attendant.


	6. 6 - Sammy, Why Is There Lingerie In Your Cupboard? (Also, Dean and Castiel Get Together In This Chapter)

6 - Sammy, why is there lingerie in your cupboard? (Also Dean and Castiel get together in this chapter)

 

After a slightly failed water park/Hogwarts hunting experience, the teenagers returned to their room - using the stairs this time.

 

Castiel was nominated to stay behind and apologise to the attendant.

 

"Guys, has anyone seen my phone?" Raphael asked urgently, running around the room.

 

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"Up your dick, where'd you think?"

"No, seriously, where."

"On your bed."

 

Raphael ran into his room to check, and audibly sighed when he realised it had been taken by someone.

 

After a brief interrogation where Balthazar was kneed in the stomach, Dean revealed that Anna had hidden it.

 

"Anna, where the fuck is my phone?"

 

Anna took one look at Raphael's pissed face, and chose a safe option. "In Sammy's cupboard." She said.

 

"Uh, why Sam's cupboard?" Meg asked. Anna winked at her.

 

Raphael rushed out of the room, and a few seconds later, let out a blood-curdling shriek of terror.

 

Everyone stayed seated, apart from Charlie and Gabriel, who got in a fight over a bag of crisps.

 

"ANNA NOVAK, YOU ARE IN THE BIGGEST HEAP OF SHIT THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN, DO YOU BLOODY UNDERSTAND?" 

 

This made everyone stand up and go see what the problem was.

 

Raphael was staring in horror at his precious phone, that was wrapped up in...

 

"Lingerie?" Meg choked. "Why is there lingerie in this cupboard, Sam?"

 

Sam stared at the cupboard in amazement, and it was clear he had never seen it before in his life.

 

Naturally, the blame shifted to Gabriel.

 

"GABRIEL WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"OH YEAH ASSUME IT'S ALWAYS ME, WHY DON'T YOU?"

"BECAUSE IT ALWAYS IS."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU TWAT."

"GABEL, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT PUT THE LINGERIE IN THIS CUPBOARD?"

"YEAH, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I FOUND IT IN JESS'S ROOM."

 

Everyone stared at Jess, who put her hands on her hips. 

 

"SO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO WEAR WHAT I WANT NOW? DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOODY APOLOGISE? YOU'RE THE BIGGEST BUNCH OF SEXIST TWATS I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET! APART FROM MEG, WHO IS MY FAVOURITE."

 

Everyone gasped dramatically.

 

"Is that okay?" Jess asked, death glaring them all.

 

"Harsh, but ya." Michael whispered. 

 

A knock at the door made them all jump. 

 

"WHO THE FUCK IS IT?" Lucifer screamed, and Jess covered her ears and winced. 

 

"Bond, James Bond," came the slightly muffled voice of Castiel. Then, "who the fuck did you think it was?"

 

Dean ran towards the door and flung it open energetically. "Cassie!" He shrieked, and flopped into a surprised Cas's arms.

 

"Oi, Deanna! Get your ass off my leg!" Castiel ordered his best friend. Dean looked up at him and winked, and Castiel's eyes widened.

 

You are not attracted to him.

You are not attracted to him.

You are not FUCKING ATTRACTED TO HIM.

 

Castiel was getting a sense of déjà vu.

 

He closed his eyes and sped up the internal argument with a final declaring sentence than went on for about thirty seconds.

 

"Okay, yes I am attracted to Dean Winchester but no one is FUCKING ALLOWED TO KNOW THIS because not only would I be shunned by my best friend I would have to put up with eternal torment from everyone else and yes lots of my family is gay as fuck but I am not as confident as them so the final factoid of the bloody day is that I AM FUCKING BISEXUAL SO DEANNA I LOVE YOU AND PLEASE DATE ME SO THIS BLOODY STUPID VOICE IN MY HEAD WILL SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

 

Castiel opened his eyes and sighed in relief. He had admitted to himself that he was bisexual and could now relax and crush on Dean like a normal person with a high school crush. 

 

Well, slightly normal.

 

Nearly normal.

 

Normally normal.

 

Not normally normal but normally not normal.

 

Castiel realised that everyone was staring at him. He blinked. "Why are you all staring at me?" He asked, getting a sudden feeling of impending disaster.

 

Michael and Anna broke the silence in unison with one sentence. "CASTIEL'S GAY TOO!"

 

Castiel realised that he had said it all out loud. He met Dean's eyes. Dean grinned and hugged Castiel before kissing him.

 

"No chick flick moments." Castiel muttered, then winced as Dean punched him. 

 

"I'm getting such mixed signals from you, Deanna."

"Well, at least I didn't judo-flip you."

"Is that supposed to reassure me?"

"Lets leave that to happy speculation."

 

Another conversation that could be heard was: 

 

"CASTIEL'S GAY!"

"AND DEAN!"

"THEY'RE GAY!"

"GAY!"

"GAY GAY!"

"NOT GAY BUT ACTUALLY GAY!"

"I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!"

"BLIBBITY BLABBITY!"

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

"HAPPY NOISES!"

"BECAUSE DEANNA'S GAY!"

"AND CASSIE!"

"GAY!"

 

The lack of variation from Castiel's family made him close his eyes and mouth a wordless prayer.

 

"Okay, so what should we do?" Crowley was bored.

 

Sam ignored him and continued to braid his hair. Anna, on the other hand, jumped up off the floor.

 

"LETS SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY BOARD GAMES!"

"I ROCK AT BOARD GAMES!"

"HON, YOU'LL NEVER BE BETTER THAN I AM."

"YOU WANT TO BET, MOTHERFUCKER?"

"YOU WANT MY FIST IN YOUR FACE?"

 

Sam stopped Anna and Meg's argument from getting any bigger by running over to the cupboard.

 

"Right, to prevent any disagreements, we are going to play the first game I pull out of here - without looking! Okay?"

"Okay."

 

"Did you just - did you just TFIOS me, Gabriel?"

"Only because I love you, Sammy."

 

A second of silence.

 

"YES PEOPLE MORE GAYSHIPS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW - SABRIEL IS IN. THE. FUCKING. HOUSE! ABOUT TEN YEARS LATE BUT IT'S STILL IN TIME FOR THE PARTAYYYY!" Charlie screeched.

 

Sam grinned and clung to Gabriel like he did whenever Gabriel had to go back to his house because it was 4:29 AM. 

 

"Anyways, pick a game, any game." Jess ordered Sam. Sam closed his eyes and grabbed the first cardboard box that his hands touched.

 

"Right, we are playing... THE ULTIMATE GAME OF... oh crap."

 

"WHAT?"

"TELL US!"

"COME ON!"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE TELL US!"

 

Sam told them.

 

"BRING IT!"

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, HON!"

"THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

"WELL THIS IS NARNIA, COME AT ME!"

 

Sam shrugged and looked down at the board game title.

 

Emblazoned in big letters in the colours of red and gold were the words:

 

The Ultimate Game of Trying Not To Laugh.

 

The rules were simple. Split into two teams. One player from each team had to try and make the other laugh in one minute. Physical contact - allowed.

 

Charlie was nominated for team 1.

 

Lucifer was picked for team 2.

 

"This should be good!"

 

"Fuck off, bitch." That was Lucifer. 

 

Raphael counted down from ten.

 

"10... 9... 8... 7..." 

"SPEED IT UP A BIT, COULD YOU?"

 

Raphael counted down from three.

 

"BEGIN!"

 

Charlie started. "How come there's no knock knock jokes about America?" She paused. "Because freedom rings."

 

Lucifer's face remained set in stone. "Come on, bitch. That was great!" Charlie grinned, but it faded as she saw his dead-pan face.

 

"Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person?" 

"Yes." Lucifer replied.

 

Charlie stopped and checked the time. Forty seconds left.

 

She stepped up to Lucifer. Flicked her hair. Winked. "Hey, honey."

 

Lucifer's lips twitched.

 

"Would you like to Charlie my Bradbury's?"

 

A pause. Crowley and Michael's mouths fell open. Jo spluttered.

 

Everyone else, including Lucifer, started laughing at the same time.

 

"CHARLIE!"

"NEVER IN MY LIFE!"

"OH MY!"

 

The points were 1-0. 

 

Lucifer tried to regain some dignity.

 

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

 

Charlie smirked. "I don't know, hon. Was it to GET TO THE OTHER BLOODY SIDE BECAUSE IF IT WAS THEN YOU ARE IN SOME SERIOUS SHIT, YOU HEAR ME?"

 

The punch-line died on Lucifer's lips.

 

"Okay... uh... OH MY GOD CHARLIE I JUST REMEMBERED THAT DEANNA IS GAY!"

 

Charlie shrieked, stumbled backwards, tripped on a table and flipped over it - landing in the other side in between the table legs and an armchair.

 

She surfaced with her hair everywhere, laughing wildly. Then she ran at Castiel and Dean and attempted to hug both if them at the same time. 

 

Which would have been fine if they hadn't been standing at opposite ends of the room.

 

After everyone disentangled themselves with several screams of:

 

"ELBOWS. DO. NOT. FUCKING. GO. THERE!"

"MY EYES! MY EYES!"

"MY INNOCENCE HAS BEEN DESTROYED!"

"GABRIEL, YOU WEREN'T BORN WITH AN INNOCENCE TO DESTROY!"

"AND YOU WEREN'T BORN WITH A BRAIN!"

"DID YOU EAT PAINT CHIPS AS A CHILD OR SOMETHING - HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT FEET AND DICKS DON'T GO TOGETHER!"

 

The game was hastily stopped, but there were still mutinous mutters of:

 

"You'd better hope you marry rich, bitch."

"Yeah, well I had a nightmare where I dreamed I was you."

"You realise makeup wont fix your stupidity, Dean?"

"She just said - she just - oh my FUCKING DAISY CHAINS DID YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGEST THAT I, BLASPHEMOUS CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, WEAR MAKEUP? YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING DICK I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE - SHIT HEADED DICK WAGGING BITCH!"

\-----

Okay guys! We're really into the story now. Please tell me what you think, I appreciate it so much!

~ Sophie :)


	7. 7 - Castiel Is On Discount, Reference Flirting and FUCK Exercise

6 - Castiel Is On Discount, Reference Flirting and FUCK Exercise

 

The phone rang and Charlie rushed to pick it up.

 

"You've reached the Novak Shop. Castiel is on special offer today, if you're interested in buying?" 

 

Bobby was on the other end of the line.

 

"Charlene Bradbury, you put me on the phone to a responsible teenager. Lucifer or Jess." 

 

Charlie chucked the phone out of the window.

 

Bobby rang Charlie's mobile. "You're the only fucking number I have so hand me OVER TO LUCIFER OR JESS!"

 

Charlie chucked her mobile in the air. "SCRAMBLES!" She bellowed.

 

Lucifer picked the phone up. 

 

"Hi, Bobby... Yes... Of course we're behaving! Who the fuck told you that... YOU WHAT?" 

 

Lucifer dropped the phone, and when he picked it up he was shaking.

 

"Bobby, please. You can't do this to us... Really? That idea is not gonna ever sell... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO. I REFUSE." 

 

Another pause, and everyone waited in tense silence.

 

"Biggest dick I know." Lucifer muttered, and hung up. 

 

He turned to face the scared teenagers.

 

"Bobby said we have to do the exercise."

 

As one, everyone turned to look out of the window. The sky was a menacing blue.

 

"NO!"

"I CAN'T!"

"DON'T MAKE ME!"

"I CAN'T GO BACK TO THE BOX, WOODY!"

 

Lucifer shocked them into silence by saying ten words.

 

"WE HAVE TO, OR BOBBY SAID HE'D WRECK OUR ROOMS!"

 

Ten minutes later, everyone was Outside. 

 

"What's that smell?"

"Fresh air."

"What is this Fresh Air you speak of?"

"I'm cold."

"I'm tired."

"What are we supposed to do?"

"Lets play Reference Flirting!"

"Okay!"

"Okay."

 

Balthazar slowly turned to look at Michael. "You didn't just do that, did you?"

 

Michael shrugged. "Point to my team."

 

Balthazar and Castiel got into a heated reference flirting argument. 

 

"You're the Newt to my Thomas."

"You're the Christina to my Tris."

"You're the Percy to my Annabeth."

"You're the Will to my Nico."

"Bitch, I'm Nico".

"Fuck off, I'm Nico."

"I'M GAY, YOU'RE NOT!"

"I DON'T LIKE SUNSHINE!"

"THEN YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT NICO!"

"YOU'RE THE FATNESS TO MY SLIMITY, FUCK-HEAD!"

"IRONIC, CONSIDERING YOU'RE THE REASON THEY INVENTED DOUBLE DOORS!"

"WELL YOU HAVE ENOUGH FAT TO MAKE ANOTHER PERSON, YOU CAN'T TALK!"

 

Just then, Jess came back with two adults. The man was dressed in stereotypical PE teacher clothes, complete with a whistle around his neck. The woman was wearing a tracksuit and a coat.

 

"I'm Michelle and this is Danny." The woman said, and surveyed the nervous teenagers with scrutiny.

 

"DROP AND DO FIFTY PRESS UPS!" Michelle bellowed. Jo stared at her in horror. "What?" She whispered. 

 

Michelle rounded on Jo. "I have specific orders from your MOTHER that you do exactly what I say, or I'm to put you on the phone to her! Fifty press ups NOW!" 

 

Jo dropped to the ground along with everyone else.

 

"OOOOW!"

"IT'S BURNING!"

"I MANAGED TO GET ONTO THE FLOOR!"

"WELL DONE, CROWLEY!"

"HOW MANY IS THAT NOW?"

"UH..."

"ONE."

"FUCK!"

 

Brutal was the only word Anna could use to describe it. 

 

She passed the time with Lucifer by imagining Michelle and Danny being murdered, but with each passing moment the images got more and more disturbing.

 

"Death traps."

"Twisting bottle openers."

"One million paper cuts."

"On their eyeballs."

"Whilst having to dance on lava."

"If only..."

 

Meg overheard them whilst they were running up and down the playing field. "Jesus fucking Christ, guys, you're insane." She shrieked, before jogging off to find Castiel.

 

"HIGHLY FUNCTIONING SOCIOPATH, WITH YOUR NUMBER!" Anna screamed at the retreating back of Meg Masters.

 

"FIFTY MORE PRESS UPS!" Danny bellowed. "I TAKE IT BACK, THEY'RE THE INSANE ONES!" Meg shrieked in agony. 

 

After the most brutal experience of their lives, the teenagers hobbled back to their rooms.

 

 

Tacked on their doors were pieces of paper. 

 

Gabriel read it out. 

 

"As residents of the love hotel, we encourage you to join our daily workshops which promote self confidence, kindness and happiness. Come along on Tuesday at lunch time to our first session." Everyone stared at each other, then shrugged. "No way." Dean stated blatantly.

 

Then Meg's phone rang. "Hello, this is the Novak shop. Buy our Castiel, he's on special offer today."

 

Ellen muttered something on the other end of the line and Meg groaned.

 

"Haven't you put us through enough trauma today, you bitchy lady?"

 

Ellen hung up and Meet turned to face the other teenagers. "Jo, your mum says that we have to do the self-esteem workshop... Or they'll wreck our rooms." Everyone started groaning and talking at once.

 

"It's lunchtime now, so we'd better go." Anna murdered grumpily. 

 

"Jo, I hate your mother so fucking much."

"And Bobby."

"They need to go fuck themselves."

"THIS IS THE WORST WEEK OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!"

 

 

 

The fourteen murderous teenagers slowly stumbled towards the workshop.

 

 

They waited outside the room for the workshop runner to join them. 

 

"Hello!" A man exclaimed. "I'm David." Everyone stared mistrustfully at him. 

 

"I'm so glad to see eager faces ready for a boost in confidence!" David shouted at the fourteen dead-pan faces.

 

"Right. Lets get started. What is your name?" David asked Castiel. 

 

"Castiel. I'm on discount." Cas told him.

 

David frowned at him. "Right, first things first. Lets write down our aspirations for the future. Castiel, you go first."

 

Cas frowned and counted on his fingers.

 

"One, become rich and famous. Two, be known as an angel to all of mankind. Three, have at least one hundred myths and legends about how amazing I was. Four, become a saint..."

 

A few ten minutes later...

 

"Fifty-seven, become Brittany Spears. Fifty-eight, I'm being fucking serious, David..."

 

Eventually Dean casually put his hand over his boyfriends mouth.

 

Castiel continued to talk. "Seventy-nine, marry Deanna. Eighty, have kids with Deanna. Eighty-one, I mean adopt. Eighty-two, legalised same sex marriage in every country just for my lovely sister Anna. Eighty-three, have a waffle machine that makes waffles constantly so I can go around throwing waffles at people like in that vine but also I love waffles. Eighty-four, stop BEING ON FUCKING DISCOUNT, I DESERVE TO BE BLOODY EXPENSIVE I'M WORTH IT!"

\-----

Okay so please let me know what you think!!

I wasn't sure about this chapter... But I have a really good plan for the next one (Hint: Their version of the Yule Ball.)

I've started writing it but please bear with me because it might take a bit longer to write than usual.

Thank you so much for sticking with me!!!!

Don't forget to kudos, comment and follow!!!

P.S. My parents are getting married on Saturday so I'm going to be Sophie Johnston from then onwards!!

~ Sophie :)


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